i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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