After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
