he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
