Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
