hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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