I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
