That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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