u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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