You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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