Those balls look pretty dangerous.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
