my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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