You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
