Don't make out with my wife yet
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
