All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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