It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
