There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
