I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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