No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Just puked most of my soul out..
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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