If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
