lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
