apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
