woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
