i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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