Soap is not a condiment
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
