Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
