He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
