there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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