It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
