I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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