My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
