is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
