If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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