Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
