She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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