my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
