My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
