Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
