Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You made out with two different species that night
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
