Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
