How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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