don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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