I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
