i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I enjoy the company of your penis
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
