Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
