i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
