I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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