I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
