well you can't waste a boner
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She bit a glass in half.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
