I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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