only you would photoshop your dick
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
