It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
