..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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