wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
not ubering you a puppy
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
