I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
