I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
