At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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