i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
