Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
